#life

Dirty Laundry

So it’s been on my mind to have a real moment of transparency when it comes to my lack of consistency as far as my writing and blogging is concerned. I’ve always known I can do this and be great at it. I’ve always had the confidence to know that my words can and will have an impact on someone and that I could make a difference by being myself.

 

What truly held me back was the fear of judgment I’d run into once my work really put me on the map and I became important enough to be “in the spotlight”. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m well aware of how people will try to attack your character by digging up dirt in your past just to tarnish the reputation you’ve built as a better person.

 

I was afraid that people would dig too deep and shun me because I’m not the picture perfect good girl that everyone loves to fawn over. I’m not ashamed of my mistakes, I just wasn’t in the position to be attacked for them. That’s scary you know? To know that you can and will be a success but there will possibly be someone in the background ready to try and ruin you.

 

There are plenty of things people can throw out there about me. I fit into the mold of so many stereotypes placed on black women. I got pregnant young, I’ve been arrested multiple times, I’ve been the side chick, I’ve “been” a lot of things. But it in knowing that, I also recognize that I am still very worthy of having the best and accomplishing my goals because guess what, the people that really care about me aren’t ashamed of me or my not so perfect past. We’ve all got a story to tell and mine is a great one of triumph and overcoming some obstacles that I once felt would break me.

They didn’t and I’m here more resilient than ever and happy with who I am. I can truthfully say I’m proud of me. I know that the past is exactly that, the past. Hell, some people thought Jay-Z would never make it out the streets and he’s now one of the richest men in the country. Some of your favorite celebrities literally came up from nothing and flourished. They didn’t let mistakes hold them back. They didn’t let fear win.

 

So neither will I. I’m not going to compare myself to anyone or hide in shame because I don’t live my life the way someone else thinks I should. Its a horrible way to live and I refuse to go another year holding myself back. I deserve to allow myself the space to grow and get better despite what judgment may come from it.

 

I’m grown and don’t owe anyone an explanation. I’m all for talking about the things I’ve been through, but I won’t allow anyone to reduce me to being unworthy simply because of some shit I did when I was young and dumb. Plus, people change every day however I can’t go back in time. I can only live in the present so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

 

 

If you have time, check out my first poetry book! BARE Essentials: Surviving Lust, Life, & Self is now available for purchase on Amazon! Click here to see.

 

Peace & Blessings

 

AKT Authentic

 

 

Sweet Seclusion

I’ve been really excited about the release of my book, but I have yet to really celebrate it. Honestly, I’ve been enjoying my time to myself. At this point, I’m just extremely content with not continuing some of the relationships I was previously pursuing, whether it was platonic or romantic, I’m not here for it anymore.

After getting arrested in August (yes, that happened and was a whole hot mess), I took some time to reevaluate my situation at the time. While I was in jail, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to accept the consequences of what happened BUT I wasn’t going to let anyone make me feel bad for it. I took a good look at the “support” I thought I had and realized it wasn’t what I needed or wanted. It didn’t feel genuine. It didn’t feel good. I felt like I was holding back pieces of me in order to keep the vibe steady.

I’m not doing that shit anymore. For what? I’m too young to fake it for people who I’ve outgrown or no longer see eye to eye with. I’m not saying they were bad to me, it just didn’t feel right anymore. I let go of what I thought I wanted and accepted things for what they really were.

I don’t want to force anything. I don’t want to feel like I have to hide who I am or what I strive to be. So yeah, I’ve been coolin’ on my lonesome aside from literally one person. I LOVE my friend and I’m so proud of how she’s grown!

She’s been a continued source of support and CONSISTENCY this entire year, which started off extremely rough, but is ending pleasantly well. I’ve been in a great place the last few months and I’m continuing with this energy into the new year.

I’m speaking affirmations over my life and praying for new, healthy relationships to bloom as I move forward from the events that led me here. Things are far from perfect and some days, I’m just like how in the world did everything come tumbling down so fast? BUT it’s getting better, easier, smoother.

I feel like I’m in for a wild ride but I’m embracing the unknown. My birthday is right around the corner and I plan to celebrate 26 the right way. Happy with myself and even more comfortable in my skin. I’ll be able to celebrate my achievements in a big way soon enough and I’m extremely happy that I’m pursuing a passion of mine that I’ve always said I was going to do. It feels damn good to say I’m a published author. There’s definitely more to come.

The shit feels amazing.

I hope you find the courage to move on from what’s been holding you back so you can accept the next phase in your life that will elevate you to the next level.

 

“Live Free, Be Happy”

 

Be sure to check out my poetry book, BARE Essentials: Surviving Lust, Life & Self by Alyssia Thompson, currently available on Amazon!

Click here to purchase!

-AKT Authentic

Failing Gracefully & Journeying Well

“The beginning of doubt is the end of faith.”– Pearl Cleage

I was recently asked, “What is your story?” and the question made me take a second to truly reflect over my life. I’ve decided to look at my 25 years on this beautiful earth as a success story full of well wishes and interesting failures.

 

I have survived myself.

Most would read that and think, “How can you survive yourself?” But I’m currently in such a great place in life about how I feel about me, I can honestly say I’ve come so far in how I view my life over the past 3 months than I ever have. For YEARS I suffered from anxiety and depression. I made those emotions my story. I attempted suicide. I pushed people away. I convinced myself that I would never have what I truly desired because I was somehow too hard to love, even though I was full of love that I tried to give to others. I wanted acceptance but I ultimately didn’t accept myself. I spoke affirmations that never fully resonated because deep down I didn’t believe in me to make it that far.

However, that is no longer my truth.

After a series of what seemed to be unfortunate events, I was so spiritually moved to not give up that every decision I’d made up to that point in my life no longer mattered because I wasn’t living in the past anymore, I wanted to be in the present. I was at what I felt was my lowest of lows, and yet I still made the conscious decision to say, “Alyssia, I love you more than the mistakes you feel have shaped your life. YOU are not a failure and YOU will overcome.”

So what if I didn’t have a fancy car, or big house, or even a successful relationship. I had myself. I found a way to fully love me from the inside out. I began to feel excited about all the possibilities because even if I “failed” from a societal standpoint, that failure would be a lesson towards my success.

So yeah, I survived myself because I no longer held on to a false truth that I would never gain the things I thought I wanted. Instead God filled my heart with love and gratitude for the things I do have right now in the present. I have a purpose. I have goals and dreams. I have a future. And nothing can take me away from my journey except for me. But I don’t want to stand in my own way anymore. I am not afraid to shine or be in the spotlight. In fact it’s quite the opposite at this point.

 

I am NOT ashamed of myself.

I am NOT reluctant to grow in ways that may not seem conventional to others, but may help me be a better me.

 

I thank God for softening my heart and giving me the courage to say, “I am here, I am worthy and I am on a beautiful journey that I can be happy about.” I’m not perfect and that’s ok. I fucked up in the past and that’s ok. But I’m still here despite it all and that’s amazing because I have another chance to get it right for myself, not anyone else. There’s no pressure to have it all or to be the best. There’s only the will to keep going.

 

I am loved. I have support. I have a new understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I am satisfied with me. And that’s not something I could have said in the past.

 

I thank God I found that.

Ask yourself, what’s your story? Will you remember yourself to be full of failure or a huge success despite of? The choice is yours.

 

Peace & Blessings

Alyssia K. Thompson

Left Behind

After volunteering to give you the world,

I realized the offer had fallen on deaf ears.

But the loss would never be mine.

The absence of my presence would teach you a lesson

far greater than harsh words or cruel intentions could ever inflict.

The sweetest revenge was simply moving on and letting go.

Better was on the horizon and happiness was near

by knowing I’d never be incomplete

because I loved myself to not settle for an inadequate love.

 

-AKT Authentic

Exposed By Truth Excerpt 4

“It’s okay to not be okay.” He said.

“Yeah I know, but I wish it didn’t take so much effort. I feel like such a burden.” I let out an exasperated sigh as the tears continued to fall. “I don’t understand how you deal with me or put up with this. You don’t have to…”

“Listen to me Jade,”  he said. “I love you. This isn’t something you have to run from or hide any longer. I’m choosing you. ALL of you.

Depression doesn’t take away from who you are. It doesn’t take away the light I see in your eyes or the playfulness of your laugh. It doesn’t make you less of a person or unworthy of love. It just means WE have to work a little harder together to make sure you know those temporary feelings are just that, TEMPORARY.” 

“Yeah that sounds good and all Zaiere, but how can we take on something that I don’t even know how to handle most days? How can I expect you to understand when somethings I don’t even understand myself? It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to take this on with me.”  I didn’t understand why he couldn’t catch the hint. I didn’t want him to see me like this. Bubbling over with overwhelming emotion that I couldn’t control. I was a hot mess.

“No one ever said you had to ask. I’m willingly taking a stand on this with you. Because I love you. And your well being is more important to me than you being ashamed of your situation. Life happens. We all go through things and sometimes we aren’t supposed to go through those things alone. God placed me in your life at the right time, for the right reasons.

It’s not about me just helping you, loving you is allowing me to help myself too.” 

I sat quietly as I digested what he’d just said. Zaiere wasn’t afraid of feeling but he was also a man of very few words. I could tell the conversation was becoming a bit much for him. Well at least it was becoming too much for me.

I’d never felt so… vulnerable with someone. Is this what real love felt like? If so, I could see why people became obsessed with it.

To have that void filled, that constant want or longing of having someone so selfless come into your life that will compliment you in every way, was happening to me and I didn’t know how to deal.

He was venturing into troubled waters that no one had ever cared enough to explore. Depths that were foreign to anyone except the voice in my head that would tell me I can’t escape it’s murky uncertainty.

But surely, I could defeat the dark pieces of me if he carried the torch of light into my life.

In that moment, I decided to fall.

 

 

-AKT Authentic

Exposed By Truth Excerpt 3

Zaiere.” God I loved the sound of his name as it rolled off my lips.

Yes Jade.”

I could hear the smirk in his voice as if he already knew what was coming.

“I have a question.”

He grinned, knowing I was about to say something along those lines.

“What is it love?

“Do you ever get tired of this…phase?”  I stared pensively at the floor, hoping he wouldn’t get frustrated with my ever present sense of insecurity. I wasn’t trying to ruin the flow of our newly budding relationship, but my inner rationale kept telling me that this was too good to be true.

This beautiful, thoughtful man was all mine. And no, I didn’t think less of myself as though I didn’t deserve him, I just figured falling in real love wouldn’t happen to me. I spent all these years building myself and my career up, so I accepted that love may not be apart of the picture for me. I wasn’t a child anymore. Yeah it’s cute too believe in fairy tales when you’re young, but life as an adult will always bring you back to reality.

No, I don’t.” He replied with the most sincere expression that I almost felt bad I even asked.

And before you ask why, I’ll tell you.
I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve moved past that hurt for the most part.

But what I see in you now, is fear.

You’ve spent so much time growing into this amazing woman, the guard you’ve put up around yourself may seem impenetrable to another. But for me, I see the woman worth being patient for. I want to remove that fear by loving you unconditionally. I want to break down your resolve, leaving no traces of doubt.

I will not leave you.
I will not hurt you intentionally.

I will do everything in my power to make you comfortable with loving me, just as I love you.

We’re both new to this, but if we’re in it for the long run, this is one hurdle we can work through together. I love you. I want to make you feel secure, and if that means being patient while you work through the insecurities you currently have, I will wait as long as you need me to. We have a lifetime of love flowing between us and I will remind you each day of why I’ll always stay.”

Wow.

Once again, this selfless human being has left me speechless and even more grateful to have him in my life.

Thank you.”

Unsure of what else I could possibly say, I gave him the most loving kiss and a smile of satisfaction.

One thing I did know for sure, was that I was absolutely smitten. I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that friendship would lead me to a love like this.