“The beginning of doubt is the end of faith.”– Pearl Cleage
I was recently asked, “What is your story?” and the question made me take a second to truly reflect over my life. I’ve decided to look at my 25 years on this beautiful earth as a success story full of well wishes and interesting failures.
I have survived myself.
Most would read that and think, “How can you survive yourself?” But I’m currently in such a great place in life about how I feel about me, I can honestly say I’ve come so far in how I view my life over the past 3 months than I ever have. For YEARS I suffered from anxiety and depression. I made those emotions my story. I attempted suicide. I pushed people away. I convinced myself that I would never have what I truly desired because I was somehow too hard to love, even though I was full of love that I tried to give to others. I wanted acceptance but I ultimately didn’t accept myself. I spoke affirmations that never fully resonated because deep down I didn’t believe in me to make it that far.
However, that is no longer my truth.
After a series of what seemed to be unfortunate events, I was so spiritually moved to not give up that every decision I’d made up to that point in my life no longer mattered because I wasn’t living in the past anymore, I wanted to be in the present. I was at what I felt was my lowest of lows, and yet I still made the conscious decision to say, “Alyssia, I love you more than the mistakes you feel have shaped your life. YOU are not a failure and YOU will overcome.”
So what if I didn’t have a fancy car, or big house, or even a successful relationship. I had myself. I found a way to fully love me from the inside out. I began to feel excited about all the possibilities because even if I “failed” from a societal standpoint, that failure would be a lesson towards my success.
So yeah, I survived myself because I no longer held on to a false truth that I would never gain the things I thought I wanted. Instead God filled my heart with love and gratitude for the things I do have right now in the present. I have a purpose. I have goals and dreams. I have a future. And nothing can take me away from my journey except for me. But I don’t want to stand in my own way anymore. I am not afraid to shine or be in the spotlight. In fact it’s quite the opposite at this point.
I am NOT ashamed of myself.
I am NOT reluctant to grow in ways that may not seem conventional to others, but may help me be a better me.
I thank God for softening my heart and giving me the courage to say, “I am here, I am worthy and I am on a beautiful journey that I can be happy about.” I’m not perfect and that’s ok. I fucked up in the past and that’s ok. But I’m still here despite it all and that’s amazing because I have another chance to get it right for myself, not anyone else. There’s no pressure to have it all or to be the best. There’s only the will to keep going.
I am loved. I have support. I have a new understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I am satisfied with me. And that’s not something I could have said in the past.
I thank God I found that.
Ask yourself, what’s your story? Will you remember yourself to be full of failure or a huge success despite of? The choice is yours.
Peace & Blessings
Alyssia K. Thompson