I stared thoughtfully out the car window wondering where would this lead me. I didn’t do well with uncertainty and this wasn’t the scenario I envisioned when we met.
Falling in love again wasn’t a part of my plan, and neither was disappointment from the lack of reciprocation that was sure to follow if I continued to go along with this. So, I intended to keep my thoughts at bay while I figured out my next move.
“Are you okay?”, he asked.
“Yeah I’m okay…” Meanwhile my mind was a constant stream of “what ifs”.
I didn’t know how to do this.
I didn’t know how to be here and expect the longevity of a relationship when the idea alone made me anxious. Don’t get me wrong I wanted love, I just wasn’t sure if I was fully capable of fulfilling someone else’s needs when I’d just begun to get comfortable with being me.
I’d built up this new person, not perfect, but definitely a woman more than who she was a few years ago. A mended soul desperately hoping not to fall back in the lows of life. But, what if I relapsed and he didn’t accept it?
What if I broke down and didn’t know how to properly articulate anything I was feeling. Would he stay? Would he understand? Of course they all say they’ll be there through it all but the way life worked, that never happened.
“Can you really pull yourself together again after another heartache?”
The on flow of thoughts badgered me until I finally let out a sigh of discontent.
“Get over it Jade.”
My subconscious chastised the disheartening banter of thoughts, urging me to get back to being happy.
“Look at me”, he stated with a soft but authoritative tone that I made my stomach twitch.I turned reluctantly praying that my face wouldn’t give away the concern that plagued my thoughts.
“I won’t leave you.”
And just like that, he’d read my mind without me saying a single word.