Month: January 2016

Exposed By Truth Excerpt 1

I woke with the notion that it had all been a dream but it wasn’t. Sweat beaded slightly around my temples as my labored breathing came to a calming tempo. I rolled over and there he was.

Peaceful.

I admired his chiseled jaw line, brown skin and full lips.

“What did I do to deserve this?” I thought as I attempted to gently slide out of the bed and make a dash for the door. As if it had been second nature to him, he felt my weight shift and pulled me in closely.

“You’re not going anywhere.” He said still half asleep and I sighed deeply. One too many times we’d been at this place but for some reason the words seemed to resonate more this time than ever before.

Surely this couldn’t be what love felt like.

My heart began to race and anxiety bloomed in my chest like a rose opening up to the morning sun as it feels the warmth.

“Am I ready, can I do this?

Fuck.”

My palms began to sweat and a wave of nerves hit me like a ton of bricks. The only thing running through my mind was whether or not I could live up to his expectations. I learned many moons ago not to expect anything. It was best to take each moment for exactly what it was and cherish the memory later. Cause real love wasn’t a guarantee, surely it couldn’t happen to a girl like me. It was understood to be saved for the lovely girls who sat in the church pews every Sunday with a smile on their face and a prayer on their lips. I wasn’t the proverbial 31 woman who lived by the good book. I was too much of an independent thinker. My love for God didn’t need to be shouted at the top of my lungs surround by hypocrites who didn’t live by his holy word.

My God made me and the universe alike. I was one with everything around me. I was my savior and the love I felt for myself didn’t need to be interrupted by the likes of another.

Or so I thought…

Like clockwork he told me to stop thinking so much because he knew me so well.

Before I could plan to sabotage the atmosphere he’d so delicately created just hours before taking me to new heights of intimacy he uttered ever so lightly,

“I love you.”

My resolve faded and I sunk deeper into his chest too afraid to say the words back. But he understood. He kissed the back of my neck gently and I could feel him smile against my skin as he reassured me it was okay to allow myself happiness.

“I love you too.”

And just like that, I knew it was the beginning of something I never imagined happening to me.

 

The L Word

Lonely is its own kind of beast.

The one we run from but never really defeat.

A creature that comes along with life’s highs and lows.

Lonely will put up a good fight when it tries to take control.

But there’s one thing that can keep lonely bound.

And that’s refusing to let it run your perseverance into the ground.

Mind over matter will surely come into play.

Stand firm, smile and say affirmations to keep lonely at bay.

Lonely will try to disrupt your inner peace.

However, you must tell it, “you will not take over me”.

Lonely disappears when you don’t give it attention.

Don’t fret or worry when lonely is mentioned.

Because one thing you can be sure of, is that you are not alone.

So lonely shouldn’t have the privilege of ruining your mind, soul or home.

Life 101: Be Your Own Cheerleader

One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in my 20’s is constantly being my own cheerleader. It’s so easy to want that confirmation from others(family, friends, etc.) as validation that you’re doing well but the truth is, that isn’t their job. It’s yours. Self love and self care are so important when building yourself up. Confidence plays a huge role in that too. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself daily encouragement shouldn’t be or feel like a task and if it does, maybe you should do it more often so it becomes second nature.

During the height of my depression I struggled with confidence in all areas of my life. I felt like I was a terrible student (procrastination is my weakness), I wasn’t happy with my job (I felt it took too much time away from school but bills had to be paid), my body looked physically great (but all I could see were the imperfections), and emotionally I was a mess so I didn’t feel capable of being worthy of love (which led me to put up with too much shit from the wrong guys). After a few very, hard but eye opening conversations with my counselor, he recommended that I come up with my own daily affirmations and remind myself of those affirmations whenever I began to think negative. So I chose my affirmations to be “I am worthy, I am worth it, I deserve it.”  Telling myself those statements felt so foreign in the beginning because in all honesty, I didn’t feel it was true. I didn’t feel worthy or as though I deserved the things I desired and that saddened me. I had to get to the root of those feelings. I had to tell myself those affirmationss everyday (and still do) until my perspective began to change on how I viewed myself/my wants and not what everyone else felt was best for me. I made small changes everyday and I continued to repeat, “I am worthy, I am worth it, I deserve it” and by doing so my confidence grew a bit more each time. I would wake up, see those words and think to myself “I got this” and set out to tackle the day. If my day ended with me feeling defeated, I repeated those affirmations as a reminder that I may feel defeated but I have not failed.

Finding that confidence and encouragement doesn’t come easily to some, for me, it is still a DAILY challenge. However, I’ve made a tremendous amount of progress in my journey and I’m so happy I’m not the same scared girl I use to be. I am a young woman actively sticking by my decisions without fear of judgement from others. Yes I have my days where my confidence is lacking but those 3 affirmations still hold true. “I am worthy, I am worth it, I deserve.”

So find your inner Beyonce and get shit done. Never stop being your own cheerleader.

 

Peace & Blessings

AKT Authentic